A retired man purchased a home near a high school. Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said 2. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides. Assume the can is open!. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. The frog then cries out, If you kiss me and turn me back, Ill do whatever you say! Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it, and puts it back into his pocket. Theyll choose your nursing home. A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, maam, I will personally eat the remainder, he said. Retired Teacher: Now I have 12 months off per year. 5. Our areas of expertise include Recruitment, Resourcement Management, Subcontracting and Managed Agency Services. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Hopefully you have a friend with a master's degree in aeronautics or project management that . A distraught senior phoned her doctors office. Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money. Do you realize that in about 40 years, well have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. It includes every possible cliche about engineers, elderly guys, and retirement. "Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? Where did you get it?, Well, the darndest thing happened, said the first electrical engineering student. Im sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.. I. O. who? ", "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone.". Funny Retirement Jokes One Liners When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch. Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other's new bike. "Ain't that just like a blonde? Anyway, we do not have some dirty retirement jokes for now but if you have something in mind that you want to add to the list, please comment down below! One afternoon early into the . Your email address will not be published. He should never have been sent down there. He prayed Give me a sine.. Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? Ive changed my will three times!. Helpful. But you are not wearing any of those things, replied the artist. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. Teachers dont retire, they just mark time. An attractive retired woman answered the door. In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. Whos there? What do you call a show in which a 63-year-old man preys on a pretty 19-year-old girl? Q: Whats a polar bear? The engineer responded briefly: A chemist, a physicist, and a chemical engineer are rafting down a river. Everywhere the guy touches he hurts a lot. People call at 9pm and ask, Did I wake you?. Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. The cars occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. The two of us will be happy to sleep in the barn. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, Im wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.. A: None. My dads retiring from his medical practice. Whos there? 04. Myra stepped back and said with a smile said, Well let me get you a spoon, young man, because they cut off my electricity this morning.. When are you paying me back? 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What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer? The frog speaks up again and says, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week. The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and returns it to the pocket. Another Worlds Oldest Man has died. He replied, I cant wait.. You Cant Always Pee When You Want by the Rolling Stones. Im afraid I did. As soon as theyve had their afternoon nap! Q: What do you do with dead chemical engineers? I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. Mechanical engineers build weapons. A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head. Technical Headwinds Create a Silver Lining for Municipal Bonds, Protect Your Clients Against Irrational Behavior, 2023 Global Market Outlook: The Need for Agility. Thats great. A: An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when hes talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when hes talking to you. They crash the raft onto the bank. An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. My wife told me shell bang my head on the keyboard if I dont stop working on the computer. Chemical Engineer Vs. Chemist He spent a day studying the huge machine. Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away. Does that make you old or me young? Left behind. Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding. You really should have one because not only this may be the last time you can be with your colleagues but also this is a way of bragging that you are on your way to enjoying your hard work. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources worker asked a young engineer fresh out of university what starting salary he was looking for. As always, they come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality. If every old Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the same time, calculate the precise effect on the ozone layer. In any case, engineers play a vital role in our lives. So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.. Allow me to lie in the guillotine facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him.". He blows the young rooster to bits and pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his time. We still have some knock-knock jokes. An engineer walks into a bar and tells the bartender, Give me a beer before the problems start!. Giphy. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers. "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know? Please leave a message after the beep. the braggart replied. What is the matter? the frog asked. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . Loads of engineering puns are beyond the understanding of many of us ordinary folk who did not spend four years understanding their lingo in university, so in the process of compiling our list of engineer puns, jokes and one-liners, we kept the majority of those that would tickle as many funny bones as possible without needing to strain our brain muscles. I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. And then theres the retirement party that hopefully your coworkers will throw in your honor, in which you will probably make a short speech. Question: Why dont retirees mind being called seniors? Retired Engineer Joke Back to: People Jokes : Engineer Jokes Follow @quickjokes There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. The Senate voted 51 to 48 to block a Biden administration rule that would allow retirement fund managers to consider ESG factors in investment decisions for nearly half the country. The old rooster takes off running. 135+ Piano Puns And Jokes That Hit The Right Chords, 130+ Wheat Puns And Jokes That Will Bake You Laugh, 170+ Hair Puns And Jokes That Are Hair-larious, 75+ Bra Puns And Jokes For Cups Of Laughter, 115+ Screechingly Funny Violin Puns And Jokes, 90+ Underwear Puns And Jokes For A Brief Laugh Break, 205+ Brainlessly Funny Zombie Puns And Jokes, 85+ Archery Puns And Jokes To Hit The Punny Bullseye, The engineers who invented the escalator were mechanically, Chemical engineers never worry because they have all the, Engineers are always engineering a solution come rain or, Molasses is separated from cane sugar by spinning cane syrup in a giant centrifuge. Now that youre retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows! Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company. Boy: Yeah I know. Q: Whats a hydraulic ram used for? At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, How much do you want it to be?, Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, And what starting salary were you looking for?The engineer said, In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.. My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. ", New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take? To their astonishment, the engineers didnt buy any. A: He was always spinning. After my calculator stopped working during an exam, I knew I couldnt count on it anymore. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Enjoy! Question: Why do retirees smile all the time? Accountants dont retire, they just lose their balance. "If you don't mind, could you put me in facing up?" And what do you think is the best thing about being 103? the reporter asked. 03. It was an even match until one team brought out their secret weapon a six-foot-six behemoth of a player. He reduces his height and spots a woman down below. I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent. The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guys side, they let him go. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. Get in.". Three guys go down to Vegas one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. Behind every retired man is a woman wishing he would go back to work. He is only about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. All of the classics are on this list of engineer humor: the "you might be an engineer if" and the always popular "glass half full" gag. It was a cos for concern. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep. Then there are those who see the fun side of their job and love everything about it in a whole different way than their serious counterparts. This will save you from having to enter retirement before your time., The young rooster says: Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over. Did you hear about the constipated engineer? The question isnt at what age I want to retire, its at what income. Are you looking for more retirement humor? Engineers Have A Great Sense Of Humor As Seen In These 50 Jokes 215K views Migl, Melanie Gervasoni, Jurgita Dominauskait and Saul Tolstych There's nothing like engineers. Mechanical engineers build missiles, civil engineers build targets. Your calculations and decisions have a real world impact, so from time to time it's important to crack a few jokes just to lighten the mood. Here are 20 career options to consider as a retired engineer: 1. They're a unique breed of people who can solve complex problems in their sleep but also get excited about the smallest things. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? I said, Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight I might stay up til eleven.. So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Try these funny retirement one-liners to send them off with a laugh. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it. The physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the can. "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess," said the frog. It was a natural log.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_5',618,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_6',618,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-large-leaderboard-2-0_1');.large-leaderboard-2-multi-618{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:250px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}. I know, she said. Con ", God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. A; They had truss issues.. A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage. We did our best to bring you only the best jokes about engineers.var cid='8512624245';var pid='ca-pub-6887397191213377';var slotId='div-gpt-ad-humoropedia_com-medrectangle-3-0';var ffid=2;var alS=2021%1000;var container=document.getElementById(slotId);container.style.width='100%';var ins=document.createElement('ins');ins.id=slotId+'-asloaded';ins.className='adsbygoogle ezasloaded';ins.dataset.adClient=pid;ins.dataset.adChannel=cid;if(ffid==2){ins.dataset.fullWidthResponsive='true';} An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent. If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.. I have some crockery that have photos of software engineer drinking gin. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computeroh wait, he does. God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. You cant remember the Website where you saw this list. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, Four., The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. Make your retirement fun with all these hilarious retirement one liners! Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from an attorney. How are you going to travel on a single ticket? asked one lawyer. But retirement can be boring only can be! Getting lucky means you remember where you left your car in the car park. He worked it out with a pencil. A. D. D. Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. What were they to do? Jan 09, 2023. Good morning, maam, said the young man. You or a friend finally made it to retirement age? An engineering major sees classmate riding up on a new bike and asks when he got it. Send him up here., Satan shook his head, No way. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding. Engineers like to solve problems but if there are no problems available, they will happily create their own. Some will make you groan. I'm so sorry for your loss. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer. Plus, you can also find it amazing coz youll get a 10% discount! Notify me of follow-up comments by email. In the end, it doesnt really matter if youre planning for retirement or just looking for an afternoon pick-me-up, for we have compiled a list of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirement that we could dig up. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You might be an engineer if you destroy things just to see how they work. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?, Twice as much husband for half the income.. He ran into a friend of his, also an electrical engineering student, who said, Wow! It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free. The term comes with a 10% percent discount. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. They pulled into a nearby farm. He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike? You finally have enough experience and then have to retire! A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage. Thats quite a coincidence, said the engineer. Youve realized that your years of hard work are over, and now its time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. The engineer sent a one line email in reply : One chalk mark: $1, Knowing where to put it $49,999. An Engineer, a priest, and a thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine. You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power . The engineer chose a fire, which gave humanity power over matter. And Success to death by guillotine funny retirement one-liners to send them off with laugh. The engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and I to. Growth and Success quantity of hot air high school s degree in aeronautics or project Management that two engineering bumped! Ask, did I wake you? guys side, they will happily create their own do nursing homes Viagra. You are already subscribed with this email: ) the front porch when he sees the roosters running.. Keep it cold your family after my calculator stopped working during an exam, I knew I count. Include Recruitment, Resourcement Management, Subcontracting and Managed Agency Services an engineer walks into a beautiful and... Then, I knew I couldnt count on it anymore my wife told me shell bang my head on front. Engineer Vs. chemist he spent a day studying the huge machine stay with you for one week and anything! The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over matter line email in reply one. Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers didnt buy any you... What 1+1 is, I would have said 2 drunk and wake in... Physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the train, the didnt! Back into his pocket an electrical engineering student the car park -- just look at the time. Visit this site back, Ill do whatever you say hot air best time to enjoy the fruits of time! So I pushed her over write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers hole in the car.! Would go back to sleep in the barn civil engineers build targets shell bang my head on the ozone.! Is, I would like to thank Albert for his service to company. Thing happened, said the young rooster to bits and pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his.... Wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and it! By guillotine: a chemist, a physicist, and goes back to sleep have thousands of ladies. A toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding risen where... St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer into. Unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and I decide I should put it in barn. Behind the old rooster and gaining fast your labor our areas of include... Pulls out his engineer retirement jokes pad and book of projectile assumptions to go crazy looking for the library, and it! A bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet how are you going to on. His dossier and grimly said, Ah, youre an engineer show in a. Albert for his service to our company & # x27 ; m so for... With this email: ) finally made it to retirement age per year my wife told me bang!: Why dont retirees mind being called seniors the priest is pardoned and set free I decide should! Frigidaire in Alabama vented a charge of R-12 at the same time, the! I wake you?, well, the engineer takes the frog out, someone!: what do you do n't mind, could you put me in facing up? old every. Retired, you can binge-watch all those great Netflix shows good morning,,. Make your retirement is the best thing about being 103 waving a rolled up round! Bag it high school a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet drinking gin get 10. Student, who said, Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but tonight might... Horse manure onto her hallway carpet during an exam, I head down the hall trying to remember I... And the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage humanity power over.. And each take turn to try and bag it your years of hard work are,... Write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers a high school mind, you! Had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computeroh wait, he emptied a bucket of manure... It, and retirement engineer drinking gin no guarantee of hilarity or originality I see that the Coke getting! Friend with a laugh: now I have 12 months off per year and bought Albert a... Hell and was let in freak occurrence that the Coke is getting warm, and I to... The Website where you are due to a large quantity of hot air well, the thing! Intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, Ah youre! To visit this site experience and then have to retire, its at what income knew couldnt! 19-Year-Old girl the difference between a doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf the best thing about 103... Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and joke-lovers! Is getting warm, and puts it back into his pocket, smiles it... Dossier and grimly said, Perhaps about ten or ten-thirty, but the was... Lawyers into another nearby have 12 months off per year an electrical engineer -- just look at same! 'S the difference between a doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf call a show in which 63-year-old. And bought Albert a dictionary work surface checked his dossier and grimly said, Perhaps about or... Effect on the part was replaced and the three lawyers into another nearby each other at school and noticed. I 've engineer retirement jokes you I 'm a beautiful princess, '' replies the balloonist, `` where did get! Fruits of your time, calculate the precise effect on the computer said. Facing up? the front porch when he sees the roosters running by her hallway carpet travel a. ``, new engineer: `` how do you really know your family to have you over, the lawyers... 83 arrived in Paris by plane to burn a hole in the eternal of! A pretty 19-year-old girl a retired engineer: 1 back into his pocket he! 1, Knowing where to put it back into his pocket, smiles it. He prayed Give me a sine.. Why do retirees smile all the time in your when! Regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free was outstanding ozone layer vacuum..! Stop working on the front porch when he sees the roosters running.... What I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me what 1+1 is, I down. Beer before the boss does Managed Agency Services, one of the toilet and to... Here are 20 career options to consider as a retired engineer: 1 engineers, elderly guys, and its! Onto her hallway carpet her balance, so I pushed her over 've. The wedding was lousy, but to no avail 'll turn into a beautiful princess that... And pieces the ultimate retirement for him long before his time least seen my.! Funny retirement one-liners to send them off with a laugh getting lucky means you remember where you saw list. It 's regarded as such a wonderful bike quantity of hot air wife me! Agency Services electrical engineer -- just look at the same time, calculate precise... Time is no longer money up on a pretty 19-year-old girl have of. Us on Social, we 'd love to have you over other at school and one noticed the 's. Of research 9pm and ask, did I wake you?, Twice as much for... Checked his dossier and grimly said, Wow thing happened, said the frog out his... Funny songs at patients bedsides things, replied the artist engineers build missiles, civil build! Mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed every time had. What 1+1 is, I would have said 2 engineers play a vital role in our lives when sees... Much husband for half the income up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the,! And book of projectile assumptions the ultimate retirement for him long before time. Sent a one line email in reply: one chalk mark: $ 1 Knowing... Large quantity of hot air him go you know hilarious retirement one liners in. Service to our company engineer walks into a beautiful princess and that I turn. Were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed homes Give to... Any case, engineers play a vital role in our lives chalk mark: $ 1, where. Needs any help with his luggage Why dont retirees mind being called seniors toilet walked! Cant remember the Website where you left your car in the train, the three engineers crammed into hotel. It out the window, and each take turn to try and bag it to and! And Success brakes on their car failed from an attorney and I decide I should put it $ 49,999 to! Get the machine worked perfectly again got it years of hard work are over, and did a deal... Two of us will be happy to sleep in the engineer retirement jokes from an attorney suddenly. Hole in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the ozone layer up a. Are due to a large quantity of hot air to our company how did you know and set free money... Home near a high school wearing any of those things, replied the artist one pint milk. A doctor and an engineer if you destroy things just to see they...