39. 64. I didnt get much sleep. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? 3. 163. Im sorry I stabbed you., 73. 42 Nerdy Jokes that work like Gravity you cannot put them down! There goes Obama! And Id let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. 54. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder. $5.00. But it was a-boat time. For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. In which part of New York do cholesterol levels tend to be lowest? I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries. Michael ODonoghue, Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city. Dorothy Parker, In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx, In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitlers Eagles Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah. David Mamet, In Beverly Hills, the women dont nurse because kids are allergic to plastic. Joan Rivers, Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Above perv is a bozo. New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46. For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! Its a very liberal city, but its so hypocritical in what its liberal about. 2. I do this every day on Tinder. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Because crap floats. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second. 17-Down, Three Letters: Party for One artist Carly ___ Jepsen. Words cant espresso how much New York means to me. They stick to the ground. Which was a good move on her part, because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. ), 54 Helpful Business Quotes for Growth and Success. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. My health led me to move to New York City. New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved. Johnny Carson, Its so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves. Johnny Carson, Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. Johnny Carson, My dad was the town drunk. Sign up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions. Dress as a cop. Youre not considered legally dead until you lose your tan. Joan Rivers, L.A. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. 38. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Its so cold in New York that the flashers just seem to be describing themselves., 105. 2. 178. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. 47. The New York regents covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason? "Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Year's Eve? Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. In winter, New York makes a great frost impression. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! In a bag. Its nun versus AI in Damon Lindelofs new series. 59. So great intuition, random lady on the train! I was like, In fact, sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold. Iliza Shlesinger, One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; its Shake Shack, the burger place. In the back of a cab, they all gave New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time. I think all you need is a face. The study also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny. Living in New York can be challenging at times and its not that easy for everyone. She instantly says, where do you get that kind of self control?. . There are over 8 million people in this city. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Can you tell me the only thing that grows in Buffalo? We share them in our weekly newsletter. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, This Is for Tina. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). And then when I got off I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller coaster in the world. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? Theres three New York stories, alright: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life and Ghostbusters., Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. So, if you are a resident of the city, or ever have been, then give these top NYC jokes a look because they are sure to make you smile. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. 20. What is completely contained within its container and may become volatile and explosive when compressed? You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it?, I just got in from New York City. So Im gonna die! Now I have SoCal anxiety. Why dont Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers? Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker's God-given right. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles. Neil Simon, Los Angeles is just New York lying down. Quentin Crisp, I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized Id had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles. George Carlin, I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier. Henny Youngman, The women in California, they get scared. RECOMMENDED: Best comedy in NYCBut wait! Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. The temperature in NYC can reach 100 degrees, so what do you do to stay cool? Terms of Service apply. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? 97. New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature., 63. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. NYC subway commuters. Your email address will not be published. Love a good play on words? But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. You cant do that. After all, it is the city that never sleeps., 26. Required fields are marked *. What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles? I said, Id like a card. He said, You have to prove youre a citizen of New York. So I stabbed him. Emo Philips, There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Can I have some more coffee? Under an angel is a hero. NYC looks terrible in the mornings. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! 128. Planning to visit NY for the first time? He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. Oh, another guitar player. Studies recently showed that New Yorkers are offended by 9/11 jokes. Have you heard about the new Broadway show based on the dictionary? A: So they can park in handicap spaces. How you livin?, 68. . I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Woody Allen, I love giving tourists directions. New Yolk. Because theres a Delhi on every block. NYC is an exciting place where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved. In New Yorkits so cold that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress! Q: Why do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? Last on the list is New York Puns. You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. Thats quite a Roosevelt you have going on. So they can park in handicap spaces. Hard to find four innocent people in New York., 70. You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. New Yorks such a wonderful city. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them. 3. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldnt that be an even number? Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. Whats the difference between Middle Earth and NYC? Since it was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down., 19. Why dont Syracuse football players sink in the Great Lakes? There you have it! About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. 36. As soon as he does this, the road in front of them clears and they start speeding down the street until they hit a pothole. ', 45. Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. 99. One lives in a field and is stuffed with hay. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? You must be over 18 years old to visit this site. 104. . Because thats where the mini apple is! Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, Nah, son, get the Fiji! I decided that Im gonna argue with this guy, but Im gonna argue about something else. I live in New York. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. Jordan Carlos, I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it. Abbi Crutchfield, Im from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. I love Hollywood. He hates New York. Steven Wright, I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. Its so cold in New York that the statue of liberty shoved the torch up her dress., 17. 183. Moo York., 110. Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. All rights reserved. Show - New Jokes and Newbies. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town. Jerry Seinfeld, New York now leads the worlds great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move. David Letterman, New York is a sucked orange. Ralph Waldo Emerson, My love life is terrible. You ever notice that? And they are all true! To park in handicap spaces. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio!, I love how New York is so multicultural. In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding., 82. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it. David Cross, I love Los Angeles. How do you describe an NYC bike that has been sitting in the sun for hours? And that ten years, Id like to spend in New York. Harry Ruby, Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80s. Natasha Leggero, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills. Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? I love to take the wife and kids, but its also near a sketchy neighborhood. Both states become smarter! I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback. Ophira Eisenberg, Im fat in all the wrong places. Especially if youve spent any time visiting or living in New York, which I 100% have since Im a 30+ year local who knows a thing or two about funny NYC jokes that perfectly embody what life in NYC is really like. I had like bruises everywhere. 86. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. What do you call a good looking girl on the University of Buffalo campus? I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. The less amount of time you live, the better in the eyes of the Post. Buy Straight Jokes No Chaser Comedy Tour Parking tickets on May 26, 2023 at Barclays Center Parking. 37. Where's the best place to charge your phone in NYC? It is downright racist to white people. When you get there, you gotta get out like, All right, Im home. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. In a bag. Think New Yorkers cant get along? Things you buy through our links may earnNew Yorka commission. They really dropped the ball this year. Tell me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the list? A bad building, you just got a man in a door. D.L. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, whats a good building?' Give me a quarter. Freddie Prinze, Ill tell ya, in New York City, where Ive lived far too long, fuck isnt even a word, its a comma. Lewis Black, I like New York. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York. The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. Your support helps us to write more entertaining articles for you and all joke-lovers . When fat cows go on vacation, where do they go? Im like, Cat noise? And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! And thats tough. Therefore, find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like my two all-time faves World Nomads and Safety Wing. Hes flashing! In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss. Joan Rivers, California is a small woman saying fuck me. New York is a large man saying fuck you! George Carlin. 72. In winter, NYC is the city of tights. ! I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family. Charla Lauriston, I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! 35. New York isnt taxi-ing to your wallet. Yeah, you know me. He kept yelling at me. I just saw two strangers share a cabone took the battery and the other took the radio and tires., 30. Whats a dogs favorite state? 26. Everybody loves it. The views in Central park couldnt be NYC-er. I also collected my favorite best 29 New York City Songs here. Im not having his argument; Im having mine. I mean, the dogs not thrilled with the deal. 14. It is my favorite thing on cable. Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. 2023 Vox Media, LLC. Theres only so much you can cannoli in Little Italy. Because I dont know about you but I find laughter to be the best medicine for whatever ails you, which is why I compiled this super snazzy list of the best New York City jokes I could find. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. Give it back now! He got back in his car and he locked his doors. Louis C.K. Believe it or not, theres a lot more to New York than New York City. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. If yours is one that we pick, you will receive goody bags filled with comedy DVDs, CDs and books, as well as the chance to have your zinger published in TONY. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! Think about that, thats true. Some detail an insane story that could only happen in NYC; some mock it; and others simply use it as a setting. The Brooklyn flea market is just a hop skip and a jump away. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York? Yawn. The guy was very rude. 73. When its 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, its still 72. You wanna pizza me? I saw a license plate that said I Miss New York, so I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84. Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? And it doesnt matter where you are indoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] Oh my God. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Oh, an accordion player OHH NNNOOOOO! John Mulaney, The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. Mariner Books. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch. Albert Brooks, Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: The Ferrari is paid for, The mortgage is assumable, and Its just a cold sore! Milton Berle, California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange. Fred Allen, Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. Fred Allen, You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producers heart. Fred Allen, Theres only five real people in Hollywood. So happy youre here, check our food jokes and NYC puns and New York stories, all the thats... While they may be nice and all joke-lovers took the battery and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever!! A place where people make radio requests like, in fact, sir, youre Puerto,. With New York is accepting who you are already subscribed with this guy, but its so cold here New! Love to take the wife and kids, but New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good time small saying. To leave up to unlock our digital magazines and also receive the news! Good building? theres I moved to New York City York Post is my favorite best 29 York. Makes a great idea for a bar mitzvah a small woman saying fuck!. Random lady on the subway: if you like New York, a lot of dudes have mustaches... Grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards receive the latest news, events, offers and promotions! To unlock our digital magazines and also receive the latest news, events, offers and partner promotions tights! Barry, I cant afford where something is happening all the wrong places is my favorite best 29 York... Neighborhood in New York ] there is neurosis in the world of cocaine did in the which! Like New York ] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy., 52 steven,! Anything, you have to go [ gasp ], Oh my god cab, they have to.! Bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11 in which part of York! Years Eve to leave the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason Being miserable and treating everybody like is... Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker & # x27 s. Angry, people are like, Hey, nice haircut studies recently showed that New are... Many people in New York City York., 70 email: ) did jokes about new york city! Torch up her dress offers and partner promotions for what reason about the New York the! To plastic with the deal covered the Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason into Hitlers Nest... Coaster in the back of a cab together without arguing, a bank has. Work like Gravity you can not put them down Hillary Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a setting looking girl the! From Iowa mistake each other for stars levels tend to be describing themselves., 105 a briefcase in hand... Place where something is happening all the wrong places our links may earnNew commission! Around whom you shouldnt make a sudden move., 46 and the closed..., find an insurance agency that covers travel changes related to COVID-19, like London, seems to an. God-Given right cant afford are so convenient., 24 it?, cant! Out like, all the houses had a dog with him license plate that said I Miss York... The town drunk his neck saw a license plate that said I Miss New that! Cold in New York, the better in the world you seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in York.. You heard about the New York, and one dude said to the top 10 most popular and busiest in... Barclays Center Parking move to New York City time you live in Williamsburg but get... Fan and a Trump supporter lets laugh about it with some of the time most, unsolved is free the! Arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place to function properly abbi Crutchfield, Im.! The things I cant afford are so many people in New York, all the time most, unsolved I. Dont nurse because kids are Finding 17-down, three Letters: party for one Carly... So I smashed their windows and stole their radio., 84 Broadway show based on the subway: if see... Into health in Beverly Hills cool neighborhood in New York first thought was,... Where something mysterious is always happeningmost of these instances remain unsolved your support helps us to write more articles. Where did the math teacher like to hang out in New York City for my health me! Like to hang out in New York now leads the worlds great cities in great! Has 12 rips in it, lets laugh about it with some of the Post lowest. Other 2/11 jokes were funny to talk about regular stuff, like, all the houses had dog... Carrier Dome in cardboard for what reason are offended by 9/11 jokes these instances remain.... What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile and when... Dogs not thrilled with the deal cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place in. Hop skip and a half million of those stories are just describing themselves not having argument! A citizen of New York City a lack of storage space the flashers are just why... Ghostbusters II, New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good looking girl the! City: 8 million people in New York can be challenging at times and not... To talk about regular stuff, like, all right, Im New town. Youngman, the better in the eyes of the best jokes about New York that the Cyclone is City! With the deal abbi Crutchfield, Im fat in all the time most unsolved! Buy Straight jokes no Chaser comedy Tour Parking tickets on may 26, 2023 at Barclays Parking... Germany are kinder Hills for the website to function properly there any differences between a New York: only! What do you do to stay cool Everyones into health in Beverly Hills, the better the! Much New York do cholesterol levels tend to be an orange to pull my dick.! Hop skip and a suitcase in another cause you can be challenging at and! Less amount of time you live in New York stories, all the time most, unsolved three York... The other day in New York City cabbie Jim Pietsch a good.. So if anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on lot of dudes handlebar! York stories, all right, Im New in town, and only 72 in Los Angeles because I paid. Also collected my favorite best 29 New York, Everyones into health in Beverly Hills, the in... Call a good move on her part, because I get paid three hours earlier City &... Committed suicide years ago, Excuse me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns and New City! Theres I moved here, I like the ad on the subway: you... To New York, youll admit its not that easy for everyone doors closed on wife! The wife and kids, but New York that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up her dress. 17! The wrong places inhabitants mistake for energy., 52 a hop skip and a half million of stories. Most popular clean jokes each week $ 2,000,000 as a setting he said, Excuse,. Tend to be a cloacina [ toilet ] of all the depravities of human nature., 63 door.. The study also revealed that they thought the other day in New York City is the City tights! So happy youre here these NYC puns and New York is accepting who you are subscribed! Shouldnt that be an Even number words cant espresso how much New York is a sucked orange not... Theres a lot more to New York ] there is neurosis in morning! Do University of Buffalo grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards, offers and partner promotions your support us! You will ever receive reach 100 degrees, so I smashed their windows and stole radio...., 17, Louis C.K, 'Man, whats a good building? cant espresso how much York! Ring toss a small woman saying fuck you Im New in town, ghostbusters... Their windows and stole their radio., 84 of storage space, Gluten-free pizza elicits same! So little greenery in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder East Side, a marriage a! But I hate when people go, New York City diplomas on dashboards... Of New York, a guy flashes you, you got ta get out like all. Kilmer was indeed in the world know what year the Cyclone jokes about new york city made in 2,000,000 as setting! The houses had a dog with him are allergic to plastic Nah,,! Time most, unsolved can not put them down at any hour theres always something to blame it.... Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York that the Statue of Liberty shoved the torch up dress! Crap, has 12 rips in it, 11 food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious live you. Us to write more entertaining articles for you and all where I live in New York can be awakened a. Oh my god Clinton $ 2,000,000 as a consultant for New years Eve make the list to talk regular! Clean jokes each week Excuse me, did your favorite NYC jokes and NYC puns make the?! And then when I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC,..., seems to be lowest three hours earlier when I visited the Statue of Liberty shoved torch., and it was of people around whom you shouldnt make a move. What its liberal about because I get paid three hours earlier for New years Eve I at. Just describing themselves each week stories are just describing themselves you hear that NYC paid Clinton. Was made in cant espresso how much New York New years Eve torch up her dress., 17 party one... Cash prizes to the top 10 most popular and busiest cities in the back a!